I’m Judging You Extended Verses

When this song’s stuck in your head, and you want to kill us dead
We’re judging you, we’re judging you
Perhaps you should write a verse, but you think you’ll make it worse
Write away, it’s OK
But we’re judging you
        – Emily L

I’m Judging You has turned out to represent some universal experiences for our listeners.  Even before releasing the song, we had written a sizable number of alternate verses, and after we began performing it, fans started writing their own.  We’ve collected as many of them as we can here.

I wrote a verse! Please put it here.

On boarding subways - by Diana Hsu
When you’re waiting at the station with increasing consternation
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
When you try to shove on board, barging through the leaving horde
You’re an ass – Let them pass
I’m judging you.

On cleaning up after pets - by Emily L
When your dog craps on my lawn, I just wish that you’d be gone.
I’m judging you, I’m judging you.
Don’t you dare just walk away.  Use a plastic bag, okay?!
It’s your pup.  Pick it up.
I’m judging you.

On conversational etiquette - by Emily L
When you’re chatting with your friend and your listening you suspend,
I’m judging you, I’m judging you.
You won’t know what’s going on.  The directions will be gone.
Take a look.  Where’s your book?!
I’m judging you.

On COVID-19 - by Nat with help from Jon, Kara, and Sandry (Download the hand washing poster version!)
When you do not wash your hands, when you stick to all your plans
I'm judging you, I'm judging you
Cause we're all in this pandemic, the effects here are systemic
Stay in place. Don't touch your face!
I'm judging you

On cyberchondriaby Alexandria Wilkie
You have no medical degree, but you’ve bookmarked Web MD
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Friends have caught every disease, you’re researching my last sneeze
I’m quite well – go to hell!
I’m judging you

On dating people with poor taste in literature (alternate bridge) - by Shelley, Nat & Sandry
When I go on OKCupid ’cause you messaged me today
And your favorite books are Atlas Shrugged and Fifty Shades of Grey
Yes, I know who fucking John Galt is, now please just go away
Sleep with you? Please go screw.
I’m judging you

On drafty roomsby Emily L
When you whine that you are chilly in your shorts and t-shirt frilly
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Suck it up and get a sweater, or a jacket – even better
It’s December, just remember
I’m judging you

On filk - by Nat Budin and Kate Fractal
In the morning after three, fifteen verses, out of key
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
It’s my Enya Gundam filk – almost nothing rhymes with “filk”
I mean there’s “ilk”… and “milk”
I’m judging you

On hipsters - by Jon Sagotsky
Lumberjack mustache and beard; grandma glasses, looking weird.
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Huge tattoo upon your chest, fixed speed bike like all the rest,
Irony, douche neck tee.
I’m judging you.

On homework - by Emily L
When you don’t proofread your work you are driving me berserk
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
You have mixed up “your” and “you’re,” and your grammar I deplore
Comma splice, pay the price:
I’m failing you.

On household choresby Alexandria Wilkie
Housemates wish you’d clean your room, have you never used a broom?
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Mounds of clothes and dishes rise, you’re your own Lord of the Flies
Hire a maid; you’re well-paid
But I’m judging you

On “I’m Judging You” - by Nat Budin
Once I wrote a silly song, with this tune to sing along:
“I’m judging you, I’m judging you”
But I know I do half this shit – guess I’m just a hypocrite
Crowds applaud, I’m a fraud
I’m judging me

On the intersection of mobile phones and retail - by Sharone H-H and Terry H
In the grocery line you wait, on your phone expostulate
I'm judging you, I'm judging you
The cashier wants to ring you up, so your call she must disrupt
Don't get mad, that's just sad
And I'm judging you

De Julius Caesar - per Alyssa.  English translation by Emily L.

Cum in Gallia pugnas, et de omnibus scribas,
Iudico te, iudico te
Omnes feminas amas, et in Idus lacrimas,
Res est lex, tu non rex
Iudico te!
When you’re off fighting in Gaul and you’re writing about all,
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
You love all the girls (oh my!) and on the Ides, you will cry
Law’s the thing, you’re not king.
I’m judging you

On liberals - by Nat Budin and Alexandria Wilkie
They say you are what you eat, guess you’re not eggs, cheese or meat
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Solar panels on your house, organic cotton for your blouse
Hybrid car, NPR
I’m judging you

On libertarians (alternate bridge) – by Nat Budin
So you took that course in college where you read “The Fountainhead”
Now you worship the free market and you want to end the Fed
If you can’t afford a doctor, then you’ll prob’ly wind up dead
You’ve got yours; fuck the poor
I’m judging you

On objectivists - by William L
When you lecture me on freedom, from your comfy house in Needham
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Thinking you’re taking a stand, while you sit and read your Rand
Privilege is not bondage
I’m judging you

On Paris (alternate bridge) – by Emily L, Paul Estin, and Nat Budin
When three goddesses come to me and they ask me to choose which
Of them seems to be the fairest, and they vow to make me rich
Aphrodite finally got my vote, ’cause Hera’s such a bitch
Athena’s wise, but not my size
I’m judging them

On personal hygiene - by Jon Sagotsky
In the morning you don’t bathe, wear deodorant or shave,
I’m judging you, I’m judging you.
You don’t need to wash your hair, no-one ever looks up there.
Soap is wack. Wipe your crack.
I’m judging you.

On Ph.Ds (alternate bridge) – by Emily L
Just because you have a doctorate, it’s not your given right
To feel that you can yammer at me all the day and night
You’ve attempted to reach “interesting,” but just arrived at “trite”
Have some class – you’re an ass
I’m judging you

On polemic (alternate bridge) - by Jared H
When I see your Facebook status is a huge, long-winded rant
And you want your whole damn Friends' List to accept your biased slant
No, I don't care who you voted for, and think I always shan't
"Vote Ron Paul"? Not at all!
I'm just judging you.

On polyamoryby Sami G
When you think it’s oh so great that your sweeties number eight
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
When your SOs are outspoken ’bout a partnership that’s broken
They’re no fun. Just add one!
I’m judging you.

On poor taste in alcohol - by Jon Sagotsky
Getting drunk on Tuesday night; Miller High Life and Bud Lite
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
you should try something new; Not the same old watery brew
There’s no taste. You drink waste.
I’m judging you.

On popular literatureby Emily L
When you’re on the train today reading Fifty Shades of Grey
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Though it might give others fright, well, at least it’s not Twilight
Christian fucks, Edward sucks
I’m judging you

On PowerPoint presentations - by Nat Budin
It’s employee training week, you are standing up to speak
Water glass, but no class
For you can’t project your slides, 30 minutes now you’ve tried
Yes, it’s sad, don’t feel bad
I’m just judging you

On public mobile phone use - by Emily L
When you’re out and in a crowd, talking on your phone too loud
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
I don’t want to know about how your mother chewed you out
TMI, say goodbye
I’m judging you

Alternate 3rd lines:
I don’t want to know about how your daughter’s a girl scout
I don’t want to know about how your boyfriend ate you out

On RSVP etiquette - by Nat Budin, VikAva, LF and ML
When I send you an eVite you don’t respond until that night
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
I did not expect to see your plus one and two and three
Dis my booze – wipe your shoes!
I’m judging you

On social dinners - by Alexandria Wilkie
When you dine out with your friends, wrangling payment never ends
I'm judging you, I'm judging you
You incite all of my wrath with your sad attempts at math
You can't add, the waiter's mad
And I'm judging you

On students - by Emily L
When you ask what’s on the quiz or query what the homework is
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
It’s so hard to wait its true, but if you listen I’ll tell you
I won’t yell, so listen well!
I’m judging you.

On students (cont'd) - by Sharone H-H
The directions you ignore, though I explained them all before
I'm judging you, I'm judging you
So of course you get a D, now you're arguing with me
Yes, it's fair, please don't swear
And I'm judging you.

On tabletop RPGs - by Jon Sagotsky
You’ve got more dice than you can count; epic wizard, dragon mount.
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Somehow you play this game all night, find some gold then lose the fight,
DnD, Not with me.
I’m judging you.

On technology problems - by Jon Sagotsky, Brad Smith, Alexandria Wilkie and Nat Budin
When you’re in computer hell, can’t log onto AOL
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
Got yourself a nasty virus, watching porn of Miley Cyrus
Format C:, Red Hat’s free
I’m judging you

On truck drivers - by Emily L
When you're driving in your truck and you just don't give a fuck
I'm judging you, I'm judging you
There are others driving too, though they are smaller than you
You're a toad. Share the road!
I'm judging you

On YouTube - by Diana Hsu and Nat Budin
When you stay online too late, watching pandas masturbate
I’m judging you, I’m judging you
There’s two girls but just one cup, never gonna give you up
Snakes on plane, Chocolate Rain
I’m Rickrolling you

I wrote a verse! Please put it here.